The Question; Suicidal Thoughts

The Question; Suicidal Thoughts

Not long ago a good friend of mine had an interesting question: “How does it work with the dark thoughts you’re having? “So after we have finished this nice dinner and you go home, there might be a chance you get dark thoughts.” Yeah, maybe I said; like it was a regular thing. He was quite surprised and said “Maybe you should write a blog about it” Great idea!

So what is the source of my suicidal thoughts? There are more enjoyable things to think about right. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, or it appears in a dream. Quite recently I dreamed about hanging myself in high-definition. It’s great for my work to be a solid visual thinker, but it’s not so helpful when you’re dealing with such dark thoughts. Yeah… Sometimes it feels like hell on earth. Yet, every time I fight my way out with EFT(Emotional Freedom Techniques), meditation, music and by offering myself perspective. I wrote about this in an earlier blog, but it’s important to have something to look forward to and be present in the moment.

Dark Thoughts

If you read one of my earlier blogs, you might already know that I’m struggling with these dark thoughts for a long time. I was never entirely aware of it, on the other hand, I was, otherwise I probably wouldn’t be here anymore. Might sound very direct, but that’s how it feels for me. Being aware of these thoughts doesn’t mean when someone asks me or talk about it I withdraw into suicidal thoughts. It’s a weighty subject; I’m very aware of that. It has dug itself deeper and deeper over the years into my brain. There was a moment in therapy I realized how deep these thoughts are inside me. In one of the therapy sessions, I had to stand in front of a mirror and say to myself “That I’m allowed to exist.” I felt like standing in quicksand and could barely repeat those words. Now I’m trying to say these words in front of my mirror and only be able to speak it out loud once or twice. It feels like a throwback in time to the schoolyard. The little boy repeatedly reminded by his bullies that he shouldn’t exist. Not in those exact words but that’s what my heavily in development brain made of it.

Sponge

During the time I was bullied I was exposed to a constant negative stream of hate against me. I was very young when I was bullied and not able to put things into perspective. So what my bullies told me, was the truth for me! If you hear on a daily basis that you’re ugly, that everything is wrong with you.. That you’re a failure and never will be safe or will be part of a group, then the only thing you have to do is put all these harmful elements into a basket and do the math. That’s what my brain did and came to the conclusion “If I’m a failure, why am I still here? I’m wasting a spot on this planet; there are much better people than me.” It becomes challenging to stand above those thoughts and to tell yourself “ah no worries; those are just thoughts from the past, everyone makes mistakes!”

Present time

Sadly that’s not how my brain most of the time sees it… A flashback of 25 years ago can result in the same feeling and thoughts I had back then: being scared, the heaviness and my defense mechanism getting triggered. Basically it teleports me back to the schoolyard, the little boy that was constantly under attack by his bullies. I often think I’m not safe, don’t belong here and other people are better than me. Why? I don’t know… These thoughts popup without any reason, there is no pattern, maybe there is but I wasn’t able to spot it yet. Sometimes it starts with a feeling. Sometimes it transitions over from feeling to a thought and vice versa. And sometimes it stops at a thought or feeling. The timeline is different too; sometimes it’s only seconds and other times it’s much longer.

Depression

It’s the same case with my suicidal thoughts; I don’t always have to be very depressed before these thoughts arise. In fact, I can have the time of my life and still, these pitch-black thoughts appear from nowhere… Sometimes very short, sometimes long and sometimes very intense. It’s not always there, so not whenever I go out for dinner, these dark thoughts appear. Even when I have a bad day, like everyone sometimes has, then still I can be free from any dark thoughts. It’s very random, but on the other hand, it isn’t because they’re old thoughts that are still there today. Does that make it easier? Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t…

Thank you for reading and if you find this blog post interesting, please like and share on social media!! Also, don’t hesitate to leave a comment or contact me directly. 

Jeroen van Werkhoven

You can find me on Twitter | Instagram and Facebook

 

One Reply to “The Question; Suicidal Thoughts”

  1. Jeroen wow this was so heart warming to read my friend 💫.You truly are a remarkable person. I feel like you going through all that trauma as a lil boy & even now has made you into a strong, super kind hearted relatable person 😊. I think we both are so similar in that i was bullied a lot as a kid too, had my feelings hurt & heartbroken. I think all that has happened to you up to this point is leading to something big that God has in store for you. Your past experiences with all the name calling is not who you are really. You can use those experiences to help others which you are doing amazing job at now 😊. I’m here to tell you that you do belong. That you are safe & that you are loved. It’s an honor to call you my friend. I thank God for Joanne & her amazing channel of nurturing. Cuz without it, i would have never met you. So keep doing your thing bro cuz im proud of you 🙌💯