Depression; The Dark World

Depression doesn’t care if you’re rich, poor or successful or anything in between; it can hit anyone at any time. For me, it was hard to accept this at first. I turned my hobby into my job so how can I ever be so unhappy that I want to stop existing? When I get depressed it feels like being in a different world, a world that’s dark has no hope and is only there to drain all my energy and finally destroy me. In this dark world, there are no paths that lead back to reality… So how would you ever escape this dark world when all your energy is gone.

I had many depressive episodes throughout my life. I recall an episode when I was young and felt miserable and empty for weeks, and at some point, I was lying in bed and staring at a hook in the ceiling and felt like I never felt before. The only thing I could think about was how I could hang myself from this hook. I never did it obviously otherwise I wouldn’t be typing this right now. When I was at an older age, I had an episode where I was standing on the stairs for about thirty minutes, thinking about how I could stop existing and creating plans in my head to make it happen… In the end, I didn’t do it, but if you would ask me why I didn’t do it. I wouldn’t be able to answer, not because I don’t want to but because I don’t know…  Survival instinct maybe. I was long past rational thinking at that moment.

Depression has a very selfish thought pattern for me at least; I suffer, I this, I that and on and on and on… Until it drives you insane, however, the next level suicide is from my experience not selfish at all. When I have suicidal thoughts, I always think about the people in my life I leave behind. At the same time, my head starts to fill itself with negative thoughts that the world would be better off without me. Though, the idea of hurting the people I love no matter how lonely, desperate, hurt and empty I felt inside wasn’t enough to end it all. Instead, I gave myself permission to move forward and well try again.

Mostly when I’m depressed, I get suicidal thoughts and sometimes the urge to cut or hit myself, though I never physically damaged myself. Not because I didn’t want to, but because maybe people would spot the scars and start asking me questions, or worse start bullying me. Sounds heavy, but for me, it feels somewhat ‘normal.’ I know it’s not ‘normal,’ but my thoughts make it feel ‘normal’. I never talked about this before till recently. I was afraid to be judged,  still am in a way. It feels like being back on the schoolyard of my elementary school where I was bullied for all the things that were ‘wrong’ with me. I know these are old thoughts and feelings, but they’re still there.

My depressive episodes aren’t always over an extensive period. Back in the day, I had episodes where I felt miserable for months. Recently they’re much shorter; they can be a day, even a few hours. But it’s that same feeling no matter how long they last. My anxiety often triggers them but not always. I came back from a trip once, had a great time, and it suddenly hit me out of nowhere. I was back in the dark ‘world’… “How?”  It happened before I was able to take action… “How do I escape from this world again, there is no path?” Well, that’s why depressions are so difficult to cope with because the path needs to be created. Sometimes that can happen pretty fast, but other times it can take a lot longer. For me, it mostly depends on the time span I’m depressed. The longer it last, the longer it will take me to construct the path that leads back to this world. What works for me is music, beach walks, motivational videos, more recently EFT and the absolute number one, offering myself perspective. Something I can work towards too, it can be really a small thing, like going out for dinner with friends, or get excited about my work, but it could eventually make the path appear to lead me back to this world. No matter how dark it may seem, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s really true!

There is nothing pretty about depression; it can really destroy a person in unimaginable ways. My mother(I got permission to write this) is staying at a clinic because she is suffering from major depression.  It’s a steep road with more downs than ups. When I’m at the clinic to visit her, it feels like time is standing still… It all doesn’t matter anymore; it’s hard not to get caught in that feeling and try to offer her perspective or simply just have a conversation with her. Sometimes she responds, sometimes she doesn’t. Seeing her like this was the main reason for me to seek help and open up about mental health. My mother always kept her suffering to herself and at some point, she hit the ‘ceiling’ and what once was invisible became visible…

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Jeroen van Werkhoven

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