Depression; The Dark World

Depression; The Dark World

Depression doesn’t care if you’re rich, poor or successful or anything in between; it can hit anyone at any time. For me, it was hard to accept this at first. I turned my hobby into my job so how can I ever be so unhappy that I want to stop existing? When I get depressed it feels like being in a different world, a world that’s dark has no hope and is only there to drain all my energy and finally destroy me. In this dark world, there are no paths that lead back to reality… So how would you ever escape this dark world when all your energy is gone.

I had many depressive episodes throughout my life. I recall an episode when I was young and felt miserable and empty for weeks, and at some point, I was lying in bed and staring at a hook in the ceiling and felt like I never felt before. The only thing I could think about was how I could hang myself from this hook. I never did it obviously otherwise I wouldn’t be typing this right now. When I was at an older age, I had an episode where I was standing on the stairs for about thirty minutes, thinking about how I could stop existing and creating plans in my head to make it happen… In the end, I didn’t do it, but if you would ask me why I didn’t do it. I wouldn’t be able to answer, not because I don’t want to but because I don’t know…  Survival instinct maybe. I was long past rational thinking at that moment.

Depression has a very selfish thought pattern for me at least; I suffer, I this, I that and on and on and on… Until it drives you insane, however, the next level suicide is from my experience not selfish at all. When I have suicidal thoughts, I always think about the people in my life I leave behind. At the same time, my head starts to fill itself with negative thoughts that the world would be better off without me. Though, the idea of hurting the people I love no matter how lonely, desperate, hurt and empty I felt inside wasn’t enough to end it all. Instead, I gave myself permission to move forward and well try again.

Mostly when I’m depressed, I get suicidal thoughts and sometimes the urge to cut or hit myself, though I never physically damaged myself. Not because I didn’t want to, but because maybe people would spot the scars and start asking me questions, or worse start bullying me. Sounds heavy, but for me, it feels somewhat ‘normal.’ I know it’s not ‘normal,’ but my thoughts make it feel ‘normal’. I never talked about this before till recently. I was afraid to be judged,  still am in a way. It feels like being back on the schoolyard of my elementary school where I was bullied for all the things that were ‘wrong’ with me. I know these are old thoughts and feelings, but they’re still there.

My depressive episodes aren’t always over an extensive period. Back in the day, I had episodes where I felt miserable for months. Recently they’re much shorter; they can be a day, even a few hours. But it’s that same feeling no matter how long they last. My anxiety often triggers them but not always. I came back from a trip once, had a great time, and it suddenly hit me out of nowhere. I was back in the dark ‘world’… “How?”  It happened before I was able to take action… “How do I escape from this world again, there is no path?” Well, that’s why depressions are so difficult to cope with because the path needs to be created. Sometimes that can happen pretty fast, but other times it can take a lot longer. For me, it mostly depends on the time span I’m depressed. The longer it last, the longer it will take me to construct the path that leads back to this world. What works for me is music, beach walks, motivational videos, more recently EFT and the absolute number one, offering myself perspective. Something I can work towards too, it can be really a small thing, like going out for dinner with friends, or get excited about my work, but it could eventually make the path appear to lead me back to this world. No matter how dark it may seem, there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, and that’s really true!

There is nothing pretty about depression; it can really destroy a person in unimaginable ways. My mother(I got permission to write this) is staying at a clinic because she is suffering from major depression.  It’s a steep road with more downs than ups. When I’m at the clinic to visit her, it feels like time is standing still… It all doesn’t matter anymore; it’s hard not to get caught in that feeling and try to offer her perspective or simply just have a conversation with her. Sometimes she responds, sometimes she doesn’t. Seeing her like this was the main reason for me to seek help and open up about mental health. My mother always kept her suffering to herself and at some point, she hit the ‘ceiling’ and what once was invisible became visible…

Thank you for reading and if you find this blog interesting, please like and share on social media!! Also, don’t hesitate to leave a comment or contact me directly. 

Jeroen van Werkhoven

You can find me on Twitter | Instagram and Facebook

2 Replies to “Depression; The Dark World”

  1. Aww what a touching story my friend. It’s certainly one that I can relate to. I have experienced my first depression from my first gf who cheated on me for no reason & it’s like it’s left a hole in my heart & that one event lead to a bunch of frequent bouts of depression. I would always think that if I meet a new woman & she’s nice, that eventually she will hurt me. Most times it ends up happening & sometimes it don’t. Depression lead to trust issues for me.

    I know at first you don’t wanna talk about it. But with me, I can easily show how hurt I am. It took my grandma for me to talk about it. She always has me laughing & so one day I told her everything that has bothered me. You just don’t know how much weight is lifted off your shoulders just by talking about it with a friend or loved one who actually cares. You start to feel better. If you hang around people who give off great nurturing energy & positivity; eventually you’ll start to feel that way.

    You have to get away from all negative people & surround yourself with happy people & things that make you happy. Know that you have people like me that care & wanna help whenever you want to talk about anything. Some people won’t like you no matter what you do. However the ones who are there for you even when it’s not fun for them; are the ones you should focus on.

    Just cuz your mom isn’t responding as much as you want at times; doesn’t mean she don’t know that you are there. She loves you & you are the reason she’s still fighting & still hanging on. I’m sure she is there for you in spirit.

    Like Joanne always tells me whenever I was sad when she made her older videos; “Everything Will Be Ok” Why? Because God is still on the throne & still fighting for you. So you can’t give up & I won’t give up on you even if we only talk once a week lol 😄. Take care of yourself & never stop having faith buddy 🌟. Thanks for the reading this long Lego Block of Text lol

  2. Georgio, so sorry to hear about your first girlfriend cheated on you. That must be difficult to trust someone again. Depression has many faces none of them are pretty, unfortunately.

    I’m glad you talked about it with your grandma, that’s a very big step you took. I know how difficult it is to share your feelings, especially when they make you vulnerable.

    I have a lot of great friends around me, including you. I talk with a lot of my friends about my mental health issues too and their responses are always very friendly and sometimes surprising. When they tell me about their own struggles. Which also includes co-workers.

    I know, she is doing her best to stay strong and I admire her for that. It’s just very difficult sometimes but will never give up on her.

    Thank you for your kinds words buddy and reading my blog. Means a lot 🙂