The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Once again thank you for all the messages, likes and shares! In particular, I want to thank Indie Game U They shared my blog on their social media and wrote an inspiring message along with it. You can find the post here.

I don’t know if I should be happy or how to feel about my blog so far… But this is already my third post, which feels quite good and even makes me a bit happy haha. Also, it feels quite strange because it not exactly a fun story. I tried to start a blog before not about this but my passion game development. I posted once with one single line that said “This is my blog and I hope I will update it more than once a month” I never updated it again haha! I learned my lesson and these days I mostly don’t announce anything. I just post or release something when it’s ready. Also, less pressure because I don’t have to stick to a schedule. The downside is that I might never finish what I’m working on because there is no deadline or goal. I just go where the wind takes me, which feels good because my job is all about deadlines but for my personal stuff I like to have more freedom.

My idea was to release a blog every Monday, though I decided to go against that because I might not always have inspiration or just not feel like writing something. So instead I will just stick to my plan to post when it’s done. We use that phrase a lot in game development “when it’s done!” But even without deadlines, there is still room for a plan and even goals, in my case it’s more a vision. My plan is to stay away from deadlines for this blog, that’s a plan! My vision is to help end the stigma by sharing my mental health journey.

I felt very alone for a long time… During my childhood when I was bullied and when I wasn’t ready to talk about my mental health problems. Sharing it with the world wasn’t exactly my plan but “Hey!”  Plan’s change. Several people asked me how it feels to open up. I find it pretty hard to answer that question because it still feels kinda surreal. It feels good and strange at the same time. Strange in the sense of ‘promoting’ my mental health problems. I’m not proud of my mental health issues but to help break the stigma I have to share my story. It might create the feeling that I enjoy doing this and like to talk about my ‘sad’ stories. The truth is I do enjoy writing these posts otherwise I wouldn’t do it. But this ongoing silent battle in my head makes it sometimes hard.

I have many voices in my head, and if I have to name a few of them they would be “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” Great movie! The Good, is a positive voice and wants me to succeed in life. The Bad, is a negative voice and often fights with The Good. If The Bad wins… The Ugly voice appears, and dark thoughts consume me, it tells me to kill myself, and I’m not worth living on this planet…

But there is a fourth voice; this voice keeps me in line. It’s the voice that says “OKAY NOW IT’S ENOUGH, MOVE ON! THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. DON’T GIVE UP!! LISTEN TO MUSIC, GO OUTSIDE. GET OUT OF BED!. It’s the voice that thrives me, makes me feel strong and confident and often comes up with ideas that I use for my work. It’s a powerful and bold voice as you can read. It’s always there but doesn’t always take control only when necessary. This voice was part of the other voices before, but one day I was in such a dark place and when I was close to ending it all… It disconnected itself from the other voices and became its own voice. The name of this voice is… The Survivor!

Thank you for reading and if you find this blog interesting, please like and share on social media!! Also, don’t hesitate to leave a comment or contact me directly. 

Jeroen van Werkhoven

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